I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I need to calm my uterus...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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