Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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