i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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