New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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