I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So many bounce houses so little time
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
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