My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
