ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
