The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
