I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We have started to decorate penises.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
BRING THE BAGELS
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
