if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
