he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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