he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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