guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
should my penis look like a turkey
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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