so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
