awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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