I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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