I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
