I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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