If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
