wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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