You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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