Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
