last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
