I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
