smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
