The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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