you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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