I want to stick my p in your. b.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
