now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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