Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
