remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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