I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
