The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
