Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
