i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
