I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
