Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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