I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
my liver is dry heaving
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Randomize
