Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
