My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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