the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
