i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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