remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Randomize
