well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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