sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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