He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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