I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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