you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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