I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
