I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
