Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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