I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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