So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I am midnight drunk by noon
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
