"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
