Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
