True but thats because hes a fetus.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
