I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
