im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
