I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Randomize
